When Darkness Falls

I wrote this in December of last year. I can't completely explain why I didn't publish it sooner. I think I needed to continue to process. Perhaps it was too hard to reveal...but here it is now. I'm learning that our stories are messy but they are still so very beautiful.

What do you do when you’re not sure what God is doing?  I’m learning. The past two months have turned my world upside down. I’ve despaired. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve felt deep, abiding peace and joy and I’ve been hurt and confused. What do you do with all of that? The truth is, I don’t have a pretty bow to wrap all of this up. I don’t have perfect answers to why. Some days I wake up and feel like I have no strength to fight. Like I’m holding on by a thread. Both of my parents came a breath away from death in the same month…and now my grandfather lies in a hospital bed, waiting to go home. In the midst of all of this, I see how temporary our time here really is. It’s something we all avoid thinking about. I, for one, don’t like to think about it. This is hard. Digging deep, pounding fists, hitting rock, hard. I feel helpless. I feel small. These are things “other people” go through. Things you see and silently thank God that it’s not you. But what happens when it does happen?

 I had a dear friend tell me, before I left London, “This isn’t punishment; God is with you. Go back to the basics of what you know about God and settle there”.  What do I know? I know that the bible says God puts my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are that precious to him.  I know that in impossible moments, God chooses to show his love. (A man whistling “10,000 reasons” in the middle of the tube station, a message from a friend, a stranger’s kindness and wisdom, the way Will cares for my family and heart, seeing bitterness being put to rest and restoration in relationships.)  Sometimes I feel the night is unbelievably dark but, somehow, in the midst of the hazy night, pinpoints of light begin to glow. I see glimpses of a hope not rooted in this world. If this world was all there was, there would truly be no point. There’s a verse in 1 Thessalonians I read the other day.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 4:13

No hope…even if my mom hadn’t made it in the ICU…even if my father had not made it through his accident…. there’s still hope. Is this an ignorant assumption? I don’t think so. I’m learning that rather than running from life’s difficulties, Jesus runs to them. He addresses them instead of ignoring them. Reading the bible, there is no one left untouched by life’s difficulties. Not one person has a perfect, easy life. I think this could be our greatest downfall. To believe that there is someone out there who has it all together. I don’t care who you are, not one of us has it all together. Not one of us is untouched by death, brokenness or pain.

There’s grace even in the darkest night. And that is what I’m clinging to.

 When Darkness Falls ~Jenny and Tyler

When darkness falls at evening time

And all the world is still

My heart feels restless, oh my God

It longs to be filled

Oh Father rescue me from doubt

Deliver me from grief

Let your joy in me abound

Remove my unbelief, remove my unbelief

I hear the wind rush through the trees

A peaceful whistling sound

But still my soul is not at ease

And sleep cannot be found

You are stillness, you are quiet

You are comfort and peace

A White Dress

Today I purchased my wedding gown. Even writing that seems surreal. How is it possible that in just a few months time my life could change so drastically? I thought I was to head one way and God steered me in a new way I could never have expected. I feel as though I could wake up from all of this at any moment. To be honest, I was completely given to the resolution that if I were to be single the rest of my life, it would be ok. I knew God would take care of me and no matter where I went in the world, He would be my protection and guide. He finally forced me to hand over something precious and dear. After months of healing and restoration I was finally ready to let go and trust God with whatever it was He had.  It's not as though I was giving up on marriage all together, rather, I was giving up on trying to do things my way. My way always seemed to lead to misplaced focus, putting others before God and ,many times, hurt. So here I was..bags packed for London, ready to live abroad for years..possibly even my whole life. The end of December I never expected a small reunion coffee date to turn into something so much greater. It was crazy to start to date Will. We both knew I was leaving for London soon...so when the call came in February that my visa was temporarily suspended and that the government agency responsible for my nursing license was undergoing an audit, I didn't know what to think. I was angry, to be honest. This was not my plan. I couldn't understand how God could take away something I had "wanted so badly".  So we continued to Skype and talk through the 500 mile distance between us. He in Nashville and myself in SC. Right away I knew there was something different this time. The love I saw in Will for Christ was indescribable. The way that this man points me back to Jesus is like nothing else. Our relationship was nothing that I could have manipulated to work. On the contrary, there were many reasons it shouldn't have worked. For the very first time I didn't feel lost in a relationship where the man became everything to me. Will is such an incredible man but He is not my god. That is something I must daily surrender at the cross. I can see how easily he could become that. I trusted him. I trusted him as a friend and confidant. I could be my silly, crazy self with him. I felt completely myself, not less of myself. I knew pretty early on that I was starting to love him. One week after He asked me to marry him, I received a call from my nurse recruiter. My application had been accepted by the UK government. Upon hearing the news, I didn't know what to do with it. I knew I wasn't going to move abroad, at least not at this point in my life...but then I was so confused because of the year and a half I put into trying to obtain my license. Was it all for not? I avoided calling them for two weeks. Finally I mustered the courage. I didn't know if finalizing my license would be worth it if it only lasted a year. I expressed my worry to the recruiter and she immediately responded "O' no, the license lasts your whole life!". I felt like a thick fog had finally lifted. So, in a few weeks I'm off to London. God opened the door wide for me not only to finalize my nursing license, but live with my sweet missionary friends as well. His timing is perfect. I'm learning so much about God's character through this season. He continues to teach me how to trust and open my heart wide to Him. It's so easy to become frustrated in the "in between"....in the waiting, or wanting, or striving. He is so very patient with us. How thankful I am to have a Savior who sympathizes with our weaknesses. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

Too Many to Declare

Sometimes one must write just to understand what is going on in their minds. I feel a little like that tonight. I have always thought myself open to changes...anticipating and looking forward to them, in fact. But, lately, my life has been a blur of changes. I'm sitting here, on the floor of my apt, so thankful. It's hard to believe I've been living in Columbia for almost seven years. SO much has occurred during the transition from high school to college student and from college student to (by God's grace) full functioning adult. It's easy to get lost in a current struggle and forget all that the Lord has done. There's a verse in Psalms 40: 

"Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5

How could I ever begin to explain all that God has done? Truth is, I can't. Even though I have literally no idea what the future holds, there is an overwhelming sense of peace that I can ONLY attribute to Jesus.

 The other night I was driving to meet a friend...It was dark and I could see the moon beneath a very cloudy night. As I drove further on, a song came on my iPod...quite honestly, it wasn't the best, most uplifting song..AT all. (cough, Avril Lavigne) But it was a song that could have most definitely described my past thought pattern. In the middle of the song I thought, "wait a minute..I do care what the heck.." So I changed it to the next shuffled song...and I almost cried. It was a song I remember listening to in London...at Starbucks, after a really long day. It's called "The Message" by Coldplay. 

My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Got to get that message home

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
But I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home

As I kept driving I noticed the light that I had originally thought was the moon, was actually a spotlight coming from the ground. One light, just one...that illuminated the sky and drew others toward it. It was a beautiful reminder from God. Truth is, when all else is stripped away...friends, family, possessions, apartments, cars, phones, even the very clothes we wear..it's just us and God. I know that the next few months are going to be challenging...but in the midst of all that I don't know, one thing I do. God is God..and He has my back. Love never fails and His light never fades. 

Falling or Flying

Fear is contagious. I wasn’t truly aware of this concept until recently. I was on a trip to Avila beach, CA with my sweet cousins. We decided to walk on the pier overlooking the Pacific. It was a beautiful, clear day. There were cliffs in the distance and an incredible ocean view guided your eyes straight ahead. As we walked on and the shore started to become distant, I heard my younger cousin exclaim, “I don’t want to go any further! Look at the cracks in the pier!”  At first I just smiled. You know, being the “brave adult” I assured her we wouldn’t fall through. Her fears became a little louder the further we went out.  Suddenly, I noticed I was starting to look down as well. ”That water did look awfully deep and we were pretty far out. Did they really have to make the boards that far apart?”  Slowly I stopped enjoying the breeze blowing through my hair and started focusing on each and every crack. I silently wished we could turn back. I breathed a sigh of relief with every step taken that didn’t result in a fall.  Half way across, a still voice seemed to whisper to my heart...”Look up”.  So I did, with a huge gulp of fear lodging itself in my throat.  I just stared out at that gorgeous, blue water. And just like that I stopped worrying about the boards under my feet and started to enjoy the view again. 


Funny thing is, either way, looking at the boards or looking up I wasn’t falling. Yet, so much potential joy was stolen away as I focused on the fear and what if’s of each step.  I could still technically see the ocean... through the cracks, that is. What a tiny view of things when all I had to do was look up to see the big picture. 


I feel as though I’m on the precipice of something…wanting to take the leap, fearing the fall.  I can’t see…at least I claim I can’t. In reality, God has been telling me to open my eyes all along, hasn’t He? He says to set my mind on things above, set my eyes on the risen Son. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of being wrong. I am afraid of failure. All of these things, which I claim in my thoughts to be alone in, are universal concepts that I’m sure everyone has struggled with.  I haven’t been taking things day by day. I’ve been trying to conquer a lifetime of fears in a day…I get overwhelmed and then I just decide to give up.  We go where our gaze rests. I learned this concept when I was 6 years old and learning to figure skate. “Don’t look at the ground”, my coach would state….”Or, you are going to end up there! “  Where we fix our gaze each day determines what type of life we live in the end.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:1-2

Thirsty?

This morning I had the bright idea to run 10 miles. This would have been fine if I had thought ahead and hydrated myself. Instead, around mile 7 I started to get a little dizzy and I knew that what I needed was some H2O. With every step into the pavement all I could think about was water. The chant in my head became the beat I ran to. Running down the road I saw a hope...a Hardees sign. (Not exactly my first choice for food but I really didn't care at this point.) I rerouted and headed straight for the door. Needless to say I got some looks...I can't imagine why. I, honestly, quite impatiently waited at the cash register for someone to notice the dehydrated, heavy breathing girl...only to be told that a cup of water was 25 cents. A quarter turns out to be a lot when you don't have one. (Parking meters anyone?) I was slightly frustrated but turned around and ran right back out. (Apparently I'm stronger than I think, or that door was lighter than I thought it was..but there may have been a slam) I wasn't THAT mad...

The thought struck me...(in the midst of the rest of the three mile sprint back to my apartment) how thirsty our world is. Let's be honest, there are a lot of short-term fixes for those thirsts. But we just end up thirsty again don't we? I had to smile as I thought of the woman at the well and how perplexed she must have been when Jesus told her He was "living water".

..."When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?". The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews did not associated with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you could have asked him and he would have given you living water." "Sir" the woman said, "You have nothing to draw with and this well is deep. Where can you get this living water?" Jesus Answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ~John 4:7,9-11,13-14

I'm not proud of the fact that I got an attitude about the 25 cent cup...but how many times do we get that reaction when we tell someone about living water? Sometimes we encounter hurt and anger in this world. Life bruises us and our empty water glasses just keep adding up. People are aching and thirsty. Sometimes that hurt translates as apathy or anger. I know that used to be the case for me. Guess what? The water that we need the MOST is absolutely FREE for us because of what Jesus did. We can't earn it. We can't pay for it. "You see at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possible dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

Just revel in that thought today. While we were powerless to help ourselves, God helped us. Isn't is beautiful how Jesus takes something we understand to teach us something infinitely deeper? We all understand thirst. It's a part of what we experience day after day. I pray we thirst for him like water. May He become what we run to.

Resting in the Moment

I read this, this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Praying it helps you as well...

"TRUST me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin-so common that is usually slips by unnoticed. The alternative is to live FULLY in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require my help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in EVERY situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently." ~Jesus Calling

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and HE will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" ~Psalm 37:3-7

"And my God will supply EVERY need of yours according to his riches in glory in CHRIST JESUS." ~Philippians 4:19

I have this bracelet that I wear every day...I got it so that I could remember to shift my focus to Christ. Thing is, most days I put it on out of habit instead of for the purpose I purchased it for. It has the word "rely" inscribed upon it. God has continually reminded me how much I need him. That of course I'm not good enough on my own. In the past I sometimes thought I was or even pretended that I was. Fact is, we ALL have sinned and fallen short of God's standard. (Romans 3:23) There's nothing we can do to be "good" enough. We are ALL broken. We are ALL full of sin. I have seen how ugly that sin is...in myself. I heard a quote yesterday..."It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay there." God doesn't want us to stay there and we don't have to. He will pick us up from the pits we often dig ourselves. He is ABLE to make us NEW. We are able to have a new identity in Christ..so that God sees us not as the ugly, messed up, sin-filled people we are..but perfect, beautiful, and glowing in the light of Christ.

"Deliverance from the Black Hole"

Today I got an email from a group I subscribe to called "Ephesians Four Ministries". It hit me incredibly close to home and wanted to share it..God is so Sovereign and loving. it blows my mind. <3 It starts out with a prayer...

"Dear God, As I sit here today, looking out my window, I see the rain coming down and freezing as it coats the trees, forming little icicles along the twigs and branches. How pretty it is...but how dangerous it can be. Branches may split and break, trees may fall; some may recover while others will die. Ice gets heavy and slick and and wreaks havoc on so many things, interrupting power, causing accidents, and so on. So it is with the things of the world. Sometimes things may appeal to our senses, but they bring with them danger that can break hearts, damage relationships, ruin lives, and even result in death. Please help me to remain alert to dangers and snares and be ever sensitive to the Holy Spirit each and every day of my life. Please rescue those who have been overcome by the temptations that beckon, and have fallen. Lord, protect us and lift us up.Thank you for staying close and being there, ready to reach out and grab us whenever we look up to you and cry out. May we keep our focus on you and live our lives accordingly. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."

"Deliverance from the Black Hole
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
09-30-2011

"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5b).

A black hole is a place of total nothingness. It's a time in our life when God removes the resources and supports that we normally rely on to feel secure - our careers, finances, friends, family, health and so forth. It is a preparation time.

When you find yourself in a black hole experience, don't just sit and brood. Take stock of your life. Take a look at your relationship with God.

First, ask God if there are any sins, habits, or attitudes that He might be judging in your life. It's important to discern whether the trial we face is the result of God's discipline for our sin?or if it is preparing us for a future leadership role.

Second, when you enter a black hole, don't trust your feelings. Trust God. Your feelings will tell you, "God has rejected you. Abandon hope. He has left you utterly alone." Feelings change; God never changes. Feelings come and go; God is always with us.

Third, remember that your black hole experience is not only intended to refine and define you; it's also intended to influence and change the lives of hundreds or even thousands of other people. Our adversity is not just for us, but others in our sphere of influence.

Fourth, don't try to hurry the black hole process along. Remember, when Joseph was in the depths of the pit, there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't climb out, jump out, levitate out, or talk his way out. All he could do was pray and wait upon the Lord.

Fifth, lean on God. Even when you don't feel like praying, pray. Even when you don't feel like reading His Word, read. Even when you don't feel like singing songs of faith, sing. When you pray, don't just talk; listen. Be silent before Him and listen for His still, quiet voice.

Sixth, be alert to new truths and new perspectives. During a black hole experience, God often leads us to amazing new discoveries. A black hole can be a storehouse of unexpected riches for the soul.

~Praying this touches other hearts as it has touched mine. Love you dear friends..God loves you more.

Deep Calls to Deep

“That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea.” ~Matthew 13:1

Last week, for the first time in a long time, I was able to throw my watch and time-keeping tendencies aside and truly sink into God’s love. I think “being still” is one of the most challenging things for me to do sometimes. I know I don’t do it nearly enough. God is obviously near us every where we are…but for some reason standing on the edge of a vast ocean..Looking out til the water blends with the heavens, your breathe is taken away. I am pretty sure I could have stayed there for days and I would have been perfectly content tossing and turning among the waves. Something struck me while I was in that ocean. It was an incredibly strong current. It was partially made that way, I’m sure, from the brewing storms out at sea. Connie and I fought hard against it but we kept inadvertently drifting away from our starting point. Finally I turned my back to the waves and just submitted to wherever they took me. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of ocean waves coming closer and could only laugh as I clumsily swam with the current. Every time one took me closer to the shore, I stubbornly swam harder and farther out. “Your waves and your breakers wash over me” (Psalm 42:7) kept repeating over and over in my head..There’s something powerful and awe-inspiring about being in the midst of something so much larger and greater than you. I thought about how Jesus is relentless. He literally pursues us with a persistent and powerful love. Sometimes when he disciplines us or keeps us from things we become angry and we fight. I know I have. But what beautiful freedom comes when we simply turn our backs to “trying to figure everything out” and succumb to his powerful force.

Psalm 42:

“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember, as I pour out my soul; how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me, therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan to Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of my enemy?” As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”

Jesus, there are storms at sea...and sometimes it's easy to see them and let fear over take our focus...when our souls are in turmoil may we always, always turn to you. I don't always do that...and honestly, being still before you scares me sometimes because it means I have to stop running from everything and face it. May we never ever forget that when we do have to turn around and face it..we have you beside us..holding our hands. The storms...they make us ache, but Jesus, they also stir up the waves of your love. We will not be overcome, though at times we feel as though we are. Let us remember that we WILL praise you again..our Salvation. Our Rock. Our God.

Double Portions

Have you ever felt like you have lost something? You may feel as though you have given it away or maybe even wasted it. Perhaps someone took it from you. The point is, you quite possibly feel that there is nothing you could do to get it back. I've been there. There are a lot of things in this world that lie to us. They claim to bring us wholeness or satisfaction…everything we’ve ever wanted or continue to look for. Then when they fade, or the person leaves, or that first excitement is no longer there we’re empty again. C.S Lewis said it like this:

“The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy…If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.”(Mere Christianity)

It’s hard to come to terms with ourselves sometimes. At least it is for me. The thing (among many) that is so glorious about God is that he does not lie to us. All the things He promises us are true. I heard once that faith is hope that we can stand on. What if all the things you thought you had lost, every mistake you made and every decision you have come to regret was somehow turned into a blessing? Lately, while reading, a concept continues to jump off the page. This concept is the unmerited “double portion.” I first noticed it in the book of Job.

At the very end of the book (which is awesome, you should read it) it states “And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job TWICE as much as he had before.” (Job 42:10) To truly understand the significance of this verse one must know that at the beginning of the book everything Job had treasured in his life had been taken or destroyed. (Save His very life) His children, his health, his wealth, virtually all that had “defined” his earthly life had been stripped bare before his eyes. And what was His response? “And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” (Job 1:21-22) I don’t know about you…but sometimes it seems incredibly easy to blame God when things seem to be “going wrong”. How many times have I gotten angry or blamed God for taking various "fill-in-the-blanks" away? It is also significant to note that Job was restored after He prayed for His friends. These same friends had quite honestly hurt Job in a very real way and yet He was humble enough to pray for them. That's pretty huge. Throughout the book He questions and does not hide his pain and brokenness. Yet at the very end…”The Lord gave Job TWICE as much as he had before.” All that was lost…was restored. God not only restored Job, He gave him twice as much as before.

What if in the midst of the shadow of loss there was someone who could actually restore and fulfill? Well, there is…

“Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O daughter of Jerusalem! Behold, your king is coming to you; righteous and having salvation is he, humble and mounted on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey. I will cut of the chariot from Ephraim and the war horse from Jerusalem; and the battle bow shall be cut off, and he shall speak peace to the nations; his rule shall be from sea to sea, and from the River to the ends of the earth. As for you also, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will set your prisoners FREE from the waterless pit. Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; TODAY I declare that I will restore to you DOUBLE.” ~Zechariah 9:9-12

Jesus, in his humble incredible sacrifice gave us double. This was God’s plan all along and it’s still His plan. The thing is, we must look past what we think of as lost and realize it has been found in God all along. He restores us when we cannot restore ourselves. God’s love covers a multitude of sins and His love is something that covers you my friend.

In Isaiah the double portion is seen again: “Instead of your shame there shall be a DOUBLE PORTION; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.” (Isaiah 61:7)

How beautiful is that? God literally promises to exchange our shame for blessing, our dishonor for rejoicing and to give us JOY when we give him the remnants of our seemingly lost hopes, dreams and experiences.

“Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins.” (Isaiah 40:1-2)

And that is hope we can stand on.

To live is Christ

It escapes me how to go about explaining the past couple months of my life. This life that Christ is continually changing blows me away. I know deep in my heart that I am not going to live the classic “white picket fence- American dream”. I can’t. My heart has been broken over this world and I honestly pray that it stays that way. I went on my first mission trip one month ago. Just writing those words floods my mind with memories and faces. These faces I pray I NEVER forget and may they continually be lifted up in my prayers. The darkness in this world seems so strong at times, especially in a place where all resources seem to be abundant and yet the hopelessness is literally tangible on the streets. My heart aches as I write this. Over and over again Christ is showing the world His beautiful light. This light that brilliantly shines, exposes and cuts through every dark shadow. Here’s the thing that kills me. Here in America...I find myself forgetting. And that is something that haunts me. I read on the back of a magazine yesterday that 22,000 children die every day from malnutrition and preventable diseases… 22,000. Let that number sink in for a moment. Why doesn’t this effect me like it should? Why is it so hard for me to answer the cries of those haunted in this world? We have resources here. We have comfort. O' what a tangled web comfort can weave. I make God too small. It’s so easy to make God fit into our tiny boxes, wrapped with a bow and tucked away until we “really” think we need Him. This is the God of the universe we’re talking about. I can’t believe I try to put a box around the GOD who created everything in this world and though whom ALL things are held together. (Colossians 1:17) God’s heart is breaking. This was so apparent to me in London and it is also apparent here. I asked myself many times…why am I here God? In London I was bold, I felt God’s presence constantly and I was forced to RELY upon His ever present strength. Here at home I make excuses. Jesus, forgive me for my apathy. Something God has been opening my mind to is the fact that people here in Columbia who don’t know Him break His heart just as much as those in London, Nepal, Ecuador and everywhere else around the world. God does not show favoritism. Please understand that I do not write this to condemn, only to point out that our hearts should be breaking over those who are walking in darkness and may not even be aware of their own disparity.

“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.” ~ Romans 10:13-15

I was watching TV the other day and this corny commercial came on for Publix ice cream. Everywhere the central character journeyed she couldn’t help but tell everyone about the Moose Tracks flavor. Walking with neighbors, giving a sample to the mail lady...She was slightly obsessed with the ice cream, to say the least. The very end of the commercial revealed she was a Publix employee. Call me crazy, but the commercial got me thinking. If a chocolate, sugar-rush obsessed fan of Moose Tracks tells everyone she meets about it…why do I hesitate SO much to tell others about the hope that I have? I mean, I’m just saying...Jesus is a little bit more fulfilling and amazing than a box of frozen milk and sugar. Made me think.

“Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied: Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God. For we CANNOT HELP speaking about what we have seen and heard.”~ Acts 4:18-20

I wrote this in my journal from London…

“If I am rich, it is to give to others for CHRIST. If I am beautiful, it is to attract others to CHRIST. If I am full, it is to empty all for CHRIST. If I have eyes to see, it is to lead others to CHRIST. If I am found, it is for me to search for the lost and proclaim CHRIST. If I have joy, it is to show CHRIST’s fulfillment. If I am a light, it is to shine the way to CHRIST. If I have love, it is to love others as CHRIST did. If I have CHRIST I must share…for in showing him to others we are only filled more. To live is CHRIST, to die is gain. (phil 1:21)”