Just a thought

So it has been almost six months since the four days that literally flipped my world around and changed everything, Passion 2010. It blows my mind and absolutely makes me speechless to look at the ways my life changed from December 2009 to January 2010. It wasn’t just the incredible speakers or the breathe taking worship or the call God placed on my life...God met me at Passion 2010. He forced me to stop living my day to day life asking for his guidance occasionally and glancing over my bible at night. He gently brought me to my knees until I could only look up in awe. I was humbled and I finally realized “wow, life really isn’t about me!” When God meets you like that nothing can be the same. That fire in my heart and soul that God lit those days hasn’t gone away. To be honest, sometimes I’m scared that it will. I am absolutely terrified of going back to who I was. Yes, I was a believer...but the past six months I have fallen completely, head over heels for the creator of my heart. It really is a relationship. I can tell a difference when, even now, I don’t pray or really dive into the word. It’s those days, when I feel farther away, I start to get scared that my heart has started to drift. Isn’t it just like us humans to look absolutely everywhere possible to find a “fill up” to our hearts when God is standing right beside us, holding out his hand the entire time. Sometimes I get SO frustrated with myself. To see the joy I find in God, the glow I feel in my entire being when in his presence…and still I start to idolize other things in my life above him. I mean, let’s be honest, idols can come from almost anything and can definitely be people and relationships as well. It’s so easy to rationalize our own choices and idols that we are often blinded by them. It’s for this reason we just have to lay everything at his feet. Even dreams of the future can be a hindrance. At Passion I KNOW God was calling me, whispering to my heart that there is something in this world I’m supposed to do; something NOT about me, bigger than me. It’s so crazy to have that call but not know exactly what it is yet. I do know for certain that there is something I am supposed to do and I’m quite certain medical missions may be a part of it. It makes me SO excited to think about! But God has also been reminding me lately that his own son had a 30 year season of preparation before his incredible three year ministry. It’s all about his timing and not my own. I suppose that when it’s time God will open the door wide and hopefully obviously. (Since sometimes I don’t get the subtle hints! lol) It’s so easy to wish away the beautiful days God gives us when our minds are only future centered. Yes, we do look toward the future with hope but the moments God gives us NOW are to be treasured as well. Who knows what God has planned? I finally get it. “To live is Christ and to die is gain.” It may sounds strange to the outside world but suddenly my life isn’t about me anymore. The other night I was running on the horse shoe (jamming out to some Crowder) and I just looked up to the beautiful storm rolling in that night. My heart felt so full of thankfulness and God was just there, surrounding me! In my heart I told God I would do anything, I would lose my life if that’s what he wanted. The response was almost instantaneous...”Live for me daughter, a much harder task.” OK, I’m sure some of you by now think I’m a little nutty. :) But I promise you I heard it loud and clear. So I guess that’s it, that’s what Paul meant. Living without God isn’t really living at all. And considering the last six months of my life compared to the 22 years before that...I’d say that’s about right.