A Broken Lamp

I have this glass lamp that I keep avoiding. One day, while dusting, I knocked it against the bed stand and the bottom half shattered just enough to make it unstable. The lamp is very much still usable just an annoyance for anytime that I need light. 

I'm an avoider. I've noticed this about myself and my own brokenness. There are indeed so many broken things about me. I, often, shove them to the side in an attempt to continue on with life. I see the broken glass, tell myself I should do something about that..someday..and move on to the next thing on my to-do list. Thing is, at any time that glass lamp could shatter and leave me with a lot of cuts and pieces to pick up. You know, even if I tried to glue the lamp together myself, there's a good chance it wouldn't fit quite like it did. I was thinking about this today. (Dusting again...O' how I dislike dusting.) A verse came to mind...

"...But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 

 When Paul speaks of the "jars of clay" he refers to the baked clay pots of his day. They were "cheap, breakable and replaceable. Sometimes they were used as a vault to store valuables, such as money, jewelry, or important documents. But they were most often used for holding garbage and human waste. The great power of God overcomes and transcends the clay pot. The messenger's weakness is not fatal to what he does; it is essential." (MacArthur Bible Commentary) 

Our weaknesses are not only useable, they are essential. God's power shines more brilliantly because of our frailties. He reaches into the ugliest parts of our broken lives and chooses to shine through the common. 

We are afflicted, perplexed,  and struck down but, Praise Jesus, we are not crushed, forsaken or destroyed. This is our hope! Because of Christ's love and sacrifice we are not left to be replaceable or broken...because of his wholeness, we are made whole. 

Nothing to Add

I so often fail to remember the simplicity of the gospel.

I read this yesterday...

"Because it is finished, there is nothing that any of us can contribute to Jesus' work on the cross to bring us any closer to salvation." -She Reads Truth

When we believe and rest upon Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection, it changes the way we function. It's hard for me to admit that I am helpless. It is something we are taught from a young age to avoid. It is something everything inside of us fights. "I'm able; I can do this." I have repeated those words to myself in various situations...until a situation arises and I realize "I am not able. I don't have this." The truth is, even having the ability to pretend we depend on ourselves is a gift from God. I don't live like that most of the time.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time, God died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare to die-but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

This Easter I am so thankful that in all of my struggling to "be good" the work has already been done. We can rest on Christ's perfection. We can rest on the finished work of Christ. I pray that we hold this truth close. That instead of tuning out the signifigance or storing it in the back for a truly difficult time, we live each day like this is true. There is nothing we can add to our salvation, nothing to earn. It Is Finished.

When Darkness Falls

I wrote this in December of last year. I can't completely explain why I didn't publish it sooner. I think I needed to continue to process. Perhaps it was too hard to reveal...but here it is now. I'm learning that our stories are messy but they are still so very beautiful.

What do you do when you’re not sure what God is doing?  I’m learning. The past two months have turned my world upside down. I’ve despaired. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve felt deep, abiding peace and joy and I’ve been hurt and confused. What do you do with all of that? The truth is, I don’t have a pretty bow to wrap all of this up. I don’t have perfect answers to why. Some days I wake up and feel like I have no strength to fight. Like I’m holding on by a thread. Both of my parents came a breath away from death in the same month…and now my grandfather lies in a hospital bed, waiting to go home. In the midst of all of this, I see how temporary our time here really is. It’s something we all avoid thinking about. I, for one, don’t like to think about it. This is hard. Digging deep, pounding fists, hitting rock, hard. I feel helpless. I feel small. These are things “other people” go through. Things you see and silently thank God that it’s not you. But what happens when it does happen?

 I had a dear friend tell me, before I left London, “This isn’t punishment; God is with you. Go back to the basics of what you know about God and settle there”.  What do I know? I know that the bible says God puts my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are that precious to him.  I know that in impossible moments, God chooses to show his love. (A man whistling “10,000 reasons” in the middle of the tube station, a message from a friend, a stranger’s kindness and wisdom, the way Will cares for my family and heart, seeing bitterness being put to rest and restoration in relationships.)  Sometimes I feel the night is unbelievably dark but, somehow, in the midst of the hazy night, pinpoints of light begin to glow. I see glimpses of a hope not rooted in this world. If this world was all there was, there would truly be no point. There’s a verse in 1 Thessalonians I read the other day.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 4:13

No hope…even if my mom hadn’t made it in the ICU…even if my father had not made it through his accident…. there’s still hope. Is this an ignorant assumption? I don’t think so. I’m learning that rather than running from life’s difficulties, Jesus runs to them. He addresses them instead of ignoring them. Reading the bible, there is no one left untouched by life’s difficulties. Not one person has a perfect, easy life. I think this could be our greatest downfall. To believe that there is someone out there who has it all together. I don’t care who you are, not one of us has it all together. Not one of us is untouched by death, brokenness or pain.

There’s grace even in the darkest night. And that is what I’m clinging to.

 When Darkness Falls ~Jenny and Tyler

When darkness falls at evening time

And all the world is still

My heart feels restless, oh my God

It longs to be filled

Oh Father rescue me from doubt

Deliver me from grief

Let your joy in me abound

Remove my unbelief, remove my unbelief

I hear the wind rush through the trees

A peaceful whistling sound

But still my soul is not at ease

And sleep cannot be found

You are stillness, you are quiet

You are comfort and peace

A White Dress

Today I purchased my wedding gown. Even writing that seems surreal. How is it possible that in just a few months time my life could change so drastically? I thought I was to head one way and God steered me in a new way I could never have expected. I feel as though I could wake up from all of this at any moment. To be honest, I was completely given to the resolution that if I were to be single the rest of my life, it would be ok. I knew God would take care of me and no matter where I went in the world, He would be my protection and guide. He finally forced me to hand over something precious and dear. After months of healing and restoration I was finally ready to let go and trust God with whatever it was He had.  It's not as though I was giving up on marriage all together, rather, I was giving up on trying to do things my way. My way always seemed to lead to misplaced focus, putting others before God and ,many times, hurt. So here I was..bags packed for London, ready to live abroad for years..possibly even my whole life. The end of December I never expected a small reunion coffee date to turn into something so much greater. It was crazy to start to date Will. We both knew I was leaving for London soon...so when the call came in February that my visa was temporarily suspended and that the government agency responsible for my nursing license was undergoing an audit, I didn't know what to think. I was angry, to be honest. This was not my plan. I couldn't understand how God could take away something I had "wanted so badly".  So we continued to Skype and talk through the 500 mile distance between us. He in Nashville and myself in SC. Right away I knew there was something different this time. The love I saw in Will for Christ was indescribable. The way that this man points me back to Jesus is like nothing else. Our relationship was nothing that I could have manipulated to work. On the contrary, there were many reasons it shouldn't have worked. For the very first time I didn't feel lost in a relationship where the man became everything to me. Will is such an incredible man but He is not my god. That is something I must daily surrender at the cross. I can see how easily he could become that. I trusted him. I trusted him as a friend and confidant. I could be my silly, crazy self with him. I felt completely myself, not less of myself. I knew pretty early on that I was starting to love him. One week after He asked me to marry him, I received a call from my nurse recruiter. My application had been accepted by the UK government. Upon hearing the news, I didn't know what to do with it. I knew I wasn't going to move abroad, at least not at this point in my life...but then I was so confused because of the year and a half I put into trying to obtain my license. Was it all for not? I avoided calling them for two weeks. Finally I mustered the courage. I didn't know if finalizing my license would be worth it if it only lasted a year. I expressed my worry to the recruiter and she immediately responded "O' no, the license lasts your whole life!". I felt like a thick fog had finally lifted. So, in a few weeks I'm off to London. God opened the door wide for me not only to finalize my nursing license, but live with my sweet missionary friends as well. His timing is perfect. I'm learning so much about God's character through this season. He continues to teach me how to trust and open my heart wide to Him. It's so easy to become frustrated in the "in between"....in the waiting, or wanting, or striving. He is so very patient with us. How thankful I am to have a Savior who sympathizes with our weaknesses. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

Too Many to Declare

Sometimes one must write just to understand what is going on in their minds. I feel a little like that tonight. I have always thought myself open to changes...anticipating and looking forward to them, in fact. But, lately, my life has been a blur of changes. I'm sitting here, on the floor of my apt, so thankful. It's hard to believe I've been living in Columbia for almost seven years. SO much has occurred during the transition from high school to college student and from college student to (by God's grace) full functioning adult. It's easy to get lost in a current struggle and forget all that the Lord has done. There's a verse in Psalms 40: 

"Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5

How could I ever begin to explain all that God has done? Truth is, I can't. Even though I have literally no idea what the future holds, there is an overwhelming sense of peace that I can ONLY attribute to Jesus.

 The other night I was driving to meet a friend...It was dark and I could see the moon beneath a very cloudy night. As I drove further on, a song came on my iPod...quite honestly, it wasn't the best, most uplifting song..AT all. (cough, Avril Lavigne) But it was a song that could have most definitely described my past thought pattern. In the middle of the song I thought, "wait a minute..I do care what the heck.." So I changed it to the next shuffled song...and I almost cried. It was a song I remember listening to in London...at Starbucks, after a really long day. It's called "The Message" by Coldplay. 

My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Got to get that message home

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
But I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home

As I kept driving I noticed the light that I had originally thought was the moon, was actually a spotlight coming from the ground. One light, just one...that illuminated the sky and drew others toward it. It was a beautiful reminder from God. Truth is, when all else is stripped away...friends, family, possessions, apartments, cars, phones, even the very clothes we wear..it's just us and God. I know that the next few months are going to be challenging...but in the midst of all that I don't know, one thing I do. God is God..and He has my back. Love never fails and His light never fades. 

Falling or Flying

Fear is contagious. I wasn’t truly aware of this concept until recently. I was on a trip to Avila beach, CA with my sweet cousins. We decided to walk on the pier overlooking the Pacific. It was a beautiful, clear day. There were cliffs in the distance and an incredible ocean view guided your eyes straight ahead. As we walked on and the shore started to become distant, I heard my younger cousin exclaim, “I don’t want to go any further! Look at the cracks in the pier!”  At first I just smiled. You know, being the “brave adult” I assured her we wouldn’t fall through. Her fears became a little louder the further we went out.  Suddenly, I noticed I was starting to look down as well. ”That water did look awfully deep and we were pretty far out. Did they really have to make the boards that far apart?”  Slowly I stopped enjoying the breeze blowing through my hair and started focusing on each and every crack. I silently wished we could turn back. I breathed a sigh of relief with every step taken that didn’t result in a fall.  Half way across, a still voice seemed to whisper to my heart...”Look up”.  So I did, with a huge gulp of fear lodging itself in my throat.  I just stared out at that gorgeous, blue water. And just like that I stopped worrying about the boards under my feet and started to enjoy the view again. 


Funny thing is, either way, looking at the boards or looking up I wasn’t falling. Yet, so much potential joy was stolen away as I focused on the fear and what if’s of each step.  I could still technically see the ocean... through the cracks, that is. What a tiny view of things when all I had to do was look up to see the big picture. 


I feel as though I’m on the precipice of something…wanting to take the leap, fearing the fall.  I can’t see…at least I claim I can’t. In reality, God has been telling me to open my eyes all along, hasn’t He? He says to set my mind on things above, set my eyes on the risen Son. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of being wrong. I am afraid of failure. All of these things, which I claim in my thoughts to be alone in, are universal concepts that I’m sure everyone has struggled with.  I haven’t been taking things day by day. I’ve been trying to conquer a lifetime of fears in a day…I get overwhelmed and then I just decide to give up.  We go where our gaze rests. I learned this concept when I was 6 years old and learning to figure skate. “Don’t look at the ground”, my coach would state….”Or, you are going to end up there! “  Where we fix our gaze each day determines what type of life we live in the end.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:1-2

Thirsty?

This morning I had the bright idea to run 10 miles. This would have been fine if I had thought ahead and hydrated myself. Instead, around mile 7 I started to get a little dizzy and I knew that what I needed was some H2O. With every step into the pavement all I could think about was water. The chant in my head became the beat I ran to. Running down the road I saw a hope...a Hardees sign. (Not exactly my first choice for food but I really didn't care at this point.) I rerouted and headed straight for the door. Needless to say I got some looks...I can't imagine why. I, honestly, quite impatiently waited at the cash register for someone to notice the dehydrated, heavy breathing girl...only to be told that a cup of water was 25 cents. A quarter turns out to be a lot when you don't have one. (Parking meters anyone?) I was slightly frustrated but turned around and ran right back out. (Apparently I'm stronger than I think, or that door was lighter than I thought it was..but there may have been a slam) I wasn't THAT mad...

The thought struck me...(in the midst of the rest of the three mile sprint back to my apartment) how thirsty our world is. Let's be honest, there are a lot of short-term fixes for those thirsts. But we just end up thirsty again don't we? I had to smile as I thought of the woman at the well and how perplexed she must have been when Jesus told her He was "living water".

..."When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?". The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews did not associated with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you could have asked him and he would have given you living water." "Sir" the woman said, "You have nothing to draw with and this well is deep. Where can you get this living water?" Jesus Answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ~John 4:7,9-11,13-14

I'm not proud of the fact that I got an attitude about the 25 cent cup...but how many times do we get that reaction when we tell someone about living water? Sometimes we encounter hurt and anger in this world. Life bruises us and our empty water glasses just keep adding up. People are aching and thirsty. Sometimes that hurt translates as apathy or anger. I know that used to be the case for me. Guess what? The water that we need the MOST is absolutely FREE for us because of what Jesus did. We can't earn it. We can't pay for it. "You see at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possible dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

Just revel in that thought today. While we were powerless to help ourselves, God helped us. Isn't is beautiful how Jesus takes something we understand to teach us something infinitely deeper? We all understand thirst. It's a part of what we experience day after day. I pray we thirst for him like water. May He become what we run to.