When Darkness Falls

I wrote this in December of last year. I can't completely explain why I didn't publish it sooner. I think I needed to continue to process. Perhaps it was too hard to reveal...but here it is now. I'm learning that our stories are messy but they are still so very beautiful.

What do you do when you’re not sure what God is doing?  I’m learning. The past two months have turned my world upside down. I’ve despaired. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve felt deep, abiding peace and joy and I’ve been hurt and confused. What do you do with all of that? The truth is, I don’t have a pretty bow to wrap all of this up. I don’t have perfect answers to why. Some days I wake up and feel like I have no strength to fight. Like I’m holding on by a thread. Both of my parents came a breath away from death in the same month…and now my grandfather lies in a hospital bed, waiting to go home. In the midst of all of this, I see how temporary our time here really is. It’s something we all avoid thinking about. I, for one, don’t like to think about it. This is hard. Digging deep, pounding fists, hitting rock, hard. I feel helpless. I feel small. These are things “other people” go through. Things you see and silently thank God that it’s not you. But what happens when it does happen?

 I had a dear friend tell me, before I left London, “This isn’t punishment; God is with you. Go back to the basics of what you know about God and settle there”.  What do I know? I know that the bible says God puts my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They are that precious to him.  I know that in impossible moments, God chooses to show his love. (A man whistling “10,000 reasons” in the middle of the tube station, a message from a friend, a stranger’s kindness and wisdom, the way Will cares for my family and heart, seeing bitterness being put to rest and restoration in relationships.)  Sometimes I feel the night is unbelievably dark but, somehow, in the midst of the hazy night, pinpoints of light begin to glow. I see glimpses of a hope not rooted in this world. If this world was all there was, there would truly be no point. There’s a verse in 1 Thessalonians I read the other day.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 4:13

No hope…even if my mom hadn’t made it in the ICU…even if my father had not made it through his accident…. there’s still hope. Is this an ignorant assumption? I don’t think so. I’m learning that rather than running from life’s difficulties, Jesus runs to them. He addresses them instead of ignoring them. Reading the bible, there is no one left untouched by life’s difficulties. Not one person has a perfect, easy life. I think this could be our greatest downfall. To believe that there is someone out there who has it all together. I don’t care who you are, not one of us has it all together. Not one of us is untouched by death, brokenness or pain.

There’s grace even in the darkest night. And that is what I’m clinging to.

 When Darkness Falls ~Jenny and Tyler

When darkness falls at evening time

And all the world is still

My heart feels restless, oh my God

It longs to be filled

Oh Father rescue me from doubt

Deliver me from grief

Let your joy in me abound

Remove my unbelief, remove my unbelief

I hear the wind rush through the trees

A peaceful whistling sound

But still my soul is not at ease

And sleep cannot be found

You are stillness, you are quiet

You are comfort and peace